i have you

Where am i? I’ve never seen this place before…none of this is familiar to me. I feel vulnerable…I hate feeling vulnerable. I feel insecure…nothing ever makes me feel insecure. I feel lost…I have never felt lost being home. All of these feelings, these things I have thought of as negative manners in the past…are they now my new way of growing, my new way of becoming stronger and stretching my mind to the reality of what life really is? I believe so, as I sit here and type, it is becoming apparent. We must put ourselves out there, we must make ourselves feel insecure. The only way any of this I doable though is because I have you, the only way any of these new things are even bearable for me is because I have you. The only way I am able to conquer any of these news things life seems to want to throw at me is because I have you…come to think of it, the only way I am able to make any sense of life up to this point, is because I have you. The only way I am able to see that this life is heading in an amazing direction, a life anew and more beautiful than any I’ve ever known, a life unknown to any couple until now, a life more fulfilling than one could ever dream of…is because I have you. Having you means I can figure out my own mishaps, learn to deal with my own fallouts, begin to change the faulty parts of who I have become, and know that the person I will continue to grow into will be the best ME ever. Having you means knowing I have loved fully, with all I am, with all I know to be whatever love is. You mean the world can make sense, a life can be completely full of only the good things, even when a negative vibe steps in it can still be covered up with a smile. Having you means one can be happy forever…and I can only pray I can live out a life showing you how much that really does mean to me. 365

This love

Something magnificent is churning brewing breeding creating forming. It is squeezing itself into every aspect of my life. A love I created only in the deepest most beautiful moments of my dreams is thriving and squirming itself into each crevice of my body. I feel like I can take on this world, become the person I was put on earth to be, the person I have been praying I would discover. I am able to look deeper into my soul than ever before and I know this has become possible because my soul is being opened up by this great love, exposing its insides to the world and myself and to the holder of my heart. This love is expanding my heart and mind and my ultimate reach to the possibilities to the capabilities I knew nothing of 6 months ago but has been oozing to come out, for me to become aware of.  I am able to not have to worry about my happiness anymore, it reached a new level of high every morning I awake, as this love continues to grow and take over and blossom into a lifetime. When life reaches its peak point of happiness one is able to become aware of pieces of oneself she never knew would become revealed. We spend so much time thinking so hard on what it is we were born to do, born to create, born to discover. There is no feeling of regret, nor a feeling of time wasted. It is a magnificent feeling of structure, a feeling that every single moment in life was lived to now feel this way, to feel this inner blossom growing strong. To feel like we in fact do have a massive purpose of being. We were created for one other person, for one other heart to mend with our own. We were created to share this life, because without this other heart, this other soul, we cannot see fully into ourselves, fully into who were are and who we are still to become. There are so many moments in life, even when we had love, that we felt something missing, something not exactly right, a feeling of lonesome even though there was someone there telling you they loved you that you were the one. But it wasn’t totally mutual but still having hope that things could possibly change at some point…but the real truth is that when the real thing DOES come about, does land in your life, you really will know right from the start. There is no secret, no hidden code to be decoded. It is simple and sweet and only grows sweeter with time with seconds with days with months.

 It is fascinating to watch

 It is redeeming to feel

 It is rejuvenating to realize

 It is amazing to believe

 It is mesmerizing to describe

 It is the ultimate rush

 It is the highest high

                  this love.

Always up

You give me the motivation to write. You give me the motivation to paint. You give me the motivation to create music. You give me the motivation to listen, to love, to hug, to encourage, to smile, to believe, to have hope. You give me the motivation to be me to be the person I know I am and love that I am.  You give my heart everything it has been craving everything it has been longing. what I’ve always said I want, I have found. What I say I want to do with my life, I feel it happening. The words you say to me are beautiful, they fascinate me. I have been waiting my entire life to hear these things, to hear them back that is. I have spoken things like yours many times, whispered into ears, mouthed the words across a room, written them, paragraphs full..but only to regret having said them instantly, only to realize I had just said them to the wrong person and that I would be the only one whispering those sweet words from heart.. and now sitting here sweet sounds of norah jones rolling behind me dad on the couch in his peaceful world book in hand mind floating soaring through the pages each word reviving rejuvenating him mom finishing the last scrape of vanilla ice cream out of her tiny wooden bowl poking at the hard surface of her ipad in her techy world…you sit next to me my heart pumping my thoughts swaying in my breezy mind my face unable to put down this smile I cant get over the way you make me feel. 

I have walked miles only to find the edge I have flown across oceans over countries through an entire continent landing in places I had no idea what to expect and loving that thought of the unknown because only then could I maybe find this something I crave and long this something I have been setting my heart up for.

Why do we travel? What do we long? Continue to dream don’t ever be in a place without another dream life may get rough but it as sweet as ever right now in this moment and don’t forget these times these smiles these people these waters theses kisses these sweet sweet moments alone with each other exploring our hearts through our eyes through our toes through our silence. I want to always treasure the sweet memories in life but I think more important more amazing is the fact that the moments the days the memories to come will only be sweeter.  I cannot capture all that I want right now with my hands on this keyboard I want to share so badly I want to put it all into words but I am falling short I have not been writing enough lately.

Ill tell you this though, I am so ready for this life so ready for this moment right now so ready for tomorrow for next month for next year for 5 years from today 10 years from yesterday.

I feel so free.

(540)

New Chapter

A new chapter has begun in my life. my mind has had a short, the power surged for just a moment and now it almost feels erased, in a beautiful  cleansing way. I feel as though the old, rough, sanded down moments of my life have been placed in a drawer in an old teak dresser and put inside some 80s jewish thrift shop to be sold, or maybe no one will ever buy it, it looked a little beat up. The knobs had become a little rusted, the paint chipped on the top. I left a sticker on its cheek for a little too long, I wasn’t able to peal off all the white sticky paper that always gets left behind. It’s a good dresser though, it had been in my family for years. We brought the vintage piece across the state with us from Texas when we made the move to Florida. It survived the top of our station wagon for 48 hours of driving. Maybe no one would ever buy it in the thrift store..maybe it will sit along the back wall until they decide to just throw the aged set of creaking drawers out or burn it..

 It feels amazing. My heart has been revamped, ready for this new chapter. I feel as though everything that has happened to me in life up to this point has happened so that I could be at THIS point, this new chapter. Every relationship, every big horrible uncontrollable unpredictable unavoidable moment that I made it through, every trip I took to leave  my cluttered battered mind. Every road trip to clear my head of the things that haven’t made sense for so long, every person I’ve met and exposed myself to, every person I tried to interpret, tried to understand and was never able to reach, every smile I passed and tried to look deeper into with whatever I could work with,. Every wasted tear, every blank stare, every lost look that ever made it across my face. Every depth i've down to, every swell i've chased, every wipeout, every road rash. The places I’ve lived, the people I lived with (and through). Those pauses in time, pauses in my life that awoke another system of electric amplified nerves in my brain, in my heart, in my veins!

 I'm stoked for this new chapter, I cannot wait to see the person I continue to evolve into . I cannot wait to see the types of people that God walks into my life. I cannot wait to grow further as this person and experience what this life is offering me. Although I cannot picture the next bend or even what type of pavers are being  put down on this road (if they ever pave it), i have realized and love the support I have backing me, the smiles that await me no matter the amount of time that elapses in between them.. (476)

it is time

It is time.

Time to repent. Time to be forgiven. Time to give forgiveness. Time to change. Time to accept. Time to hug. Time to hold. Time for truth. Time for mercy. Time for grace. Time to leap. Time to fly above it all.

I know who, I know when.
I know its God, I know it’s now.

I know where, I know what.
I know it’s right here. And I know it is time.

you must

I am living. I am here on this earth. I feel. I see. We were once so young, so innocent. Those feelings have gone,
new things take the place of old, we forget, but we remeber whats important. It hurts, but it will pass.
I gaze into your eyes. My heart smiles. I smile. You smile. Oh its there, that love, its there. But why are you holding it inside, let it out. Pour it out. Onto me. But you won't, you never will. I don't understand. I never will.
And now, you've broken my heart. You've pounded my heart with a bludger. I cannot determine one feeling from the other anymore. They are all one big mess. I try meeting new people, wonderful people, but I've forgotte how to act, how to feel, forgotten whats normal. I treat te next like i used to treat you, but its not normal to be like this with someone you just met. But i don't remeber what to do, how to take it slow, or what slow even is.
I suppose that means that all this is nessesary for me,i need to know these things. Oh how i dont want to though, i want
to have one peron that i can love fully, and will love me back. It will come though cora, in time, we are already living this life, no turning back. You must keep your eyes focused, don't lean on others like you want to.
You must be strong by yourself, you must. You must.

decision

brother come on. open up your eyes. quit believin all those lies, that the devil been tellin you. sister i know that it happened again. girl you know youve got a firned. cause ive been there too.oh yea.
brother you can take off the mask the wear and quit actin like you dont care bout that things that have are killin you.
sister dont go that way no more. youve been down that road before. and i, im in love with you.
and everyone says that its alright. livin in darkness every night, but i think its time, lord its time. im ready to give up all my sin but i dont know where to begin. and i think its time to find out and make that change.
..ive been lonely too. many days past by. but whats done is done.
ill give up my life! ive been runnin thru the night.. towards the light of the sun. now im free, bring a little love for me!
now sweet love of mine, its the morning of a new day and i thank you lord for everything... that youve done in me.
ill meet you there, in the end of time. we'll come together as one.
ill meet you there. in the end of time. come together as one.

no title

We never really gain anything, because everything eventually becomes lost. Love is so rare. Its easy to think you’re the lucky one to have the real thing, but you end up get proven wrong. A broken heart is normal these days, and pretty much expected. It makes us want to give up, give up everything. It feels as though we don’t need to live anymore. Why should we want to? We think we’ve got the one thing you think your living for and then you lose it? Doesn’t feel like there any purpose left, so why try again when you know it will turn out the same way? We lose so much in life. Friends, family, purpose, reason, our minds, ourselves, thoughts, money, memories, reality, it never ends. That’s all for now. 132.

insecurity

Should I run or should I hide. I can’t be anything or anyone but just me. I am strong. I am beautiful. I am committed. I am honest. I am persistent. I know what I want. I know how to get it. I don’t always get what I want. Do we leave behind what we don’t want? Could it be what we really need? Probably.

She walks past him everyday, at the same time, in the same hallway. She hides her stomach with her books, hides her eyes with her hair. She looks to the ground as she passes him. But he still sees her. He still sees her flash a radiant blue gaze at him. Her cheeks turn red every time, the corners of her mouth always slightly curve up, but only for a second. Her heart beats an extra beat in that moment. Her limbs are burning, only for a moment. Only for that moment.

Let dreams be dreams. Let me be me. So I can see what you have for me. Life goes by. Things collide. But in the end it will be alright. Let dreams be dreams. Don’t let life pass by. Stand up for what you know is right. Because everything will be alright.

ill tell ya.

Things. Stinky things. Sweaty things. Soft things. Round things. Tall things. Long things. Backwards things. Running things. Spinning things. Stopped things. What is a thing? Isn’t it any..thing? That doesn’t even make sense . How is the word “anything” a word?? It could be ANYTHING! Stupid. Anyway. When does life start to make sense? Will it ever? Or do we go our entire lives always wondering what’s next, and repeatedly expecting the future to make sense of the previous moment we sat thinking the next best thing was coming our way. Will we lie on our death bed and think, “WAIT! What about my life?!”. They say time flies and that you never know where it all goes. How can we PREVENT that? Why would one person after another accept that and let it happen!?!! Will there be a question that arises everyday our life that starts with the word.. “Why”…? Sure does seem like it. BOOO that. That totally sucks. But there is a ton of things to look forward to. Tons and tons. Lets just live for the good times! Right? If the question “Why?” will never go away, then let it go. Accept the question for what it is. May I quote Ron Burgundy “Agree to Disagree”. We’ll never know. So there. Later stupid question. Lets make the question just like one of those people we don’t really like. A “Hi, Bye” friend, if you will. “Hey ever existing question that has no answer. BYE!”

Shibby.

whats goin on up there?

Where does the time go? Why can’t we remember what we used to remember when we thought we’d never forget what we once knew? We love the memories though. Oh the memories. Some so sweet. Some, we thought we’re never live past. But those ones, the sweet ones, aren’t they what makes tomorrow? They must be the ones that get us through the others. Its like no matter how bad the bad ones are, those sweet ones are always worth it, no matter how long they lasted. Because after all, don’t the ones that only lasted a second, only a look, just a single word, don’t they take up just as much room in our minds as the longer, the years of relationships, the 3 hour conversation. Yep. I wish I was the conductor of someone’s memory train. So then, where are the other thoughts we once thought, the words we once spoke, the hands we once held. Where’d they get to? We’ve been robbed! (165)

rain

I squeeze your hand so tightly. I grit my teeth and squeeze harder. I hate to let go. Every good bye tears me apart. Tears flood down my cherry cheeks. Rain slams down onto the roof, making my heart pound ever harder. With every beat, a tear pulses out. I look down, there is nothing in my hand. I close my eyes, and picture your face, your perfect smile. The tears double. The rain plummets down. My head falls back onto my neck. This hurts so much. It is like this every time. But I cannot stop it, and I don’t want to, because that means no more you. I want you. I want all of you all the time. I want to spend forever with you. But I cannot tell you that. Not just yet. Or can I? Are you thinking the same thing? How will I ever know. I love you. My heart is taken over. If I let you go, it will never heal. I know it. I want you. I want all of you all the time. I stare deeply into the flame of the candle placed next to me. A single orange flame. Time does not effect her. She is so graceful, so beautiful. She is so warm, so perfect. Her scent. Apple pie. I don’t want to blow her out, I don’t want to ever take everything away. But I have to eventually, poor flame. You still plunder my mind. The tears are back now. My ratted shirt is soaked. (256)

let go

My mind is full.
Work. Money. School. Writing this paper. Room mates. Working out. Parents. Tom. Gas. Surfing. Tomorrow night. The night after that. This weekend. Next year.
Hating this. Hating this.
The drive is long and silent. I don’t turn on any music. I let my thoughts blaze. My eardrums almost blow out. The car vibrates from the bass. Animals run into the woods when I drive by them its so loud. Honda takes every turn tight, flying. The trees are a blur. My eyes are fixed on the dotted white line running down the middle of the black asphalt. Work money school blah blah blah. I need to be there now. My phone vibrates against some change in the cup holder. I glance down at it, but I don’t’ feel like talking to them right now. I feel like being there. That’s all. I drive through a few small unlit towns. Everyone’s long gone to sleep. I couldn’t tonight. Too much clogs my brain. I need to get rid of it. I need some kind of brain plunger. But I haven’t found where they sell that in Wal Mart. I’m going to the only place that can naturally “plunge” out my thoughts. My foot aches at the pedal. It just wants to be there. My legs cramp, they want the same thing. I don’t blame them. This is way too far to go for a break from it all. But I have no choice. My speedometer reads 90. Fuck it, I need speed. Finally I see a familiar sign, I’m so close. The road starts to show me I’m even closer, as sand creeps into the middle of it. I squeal into the empty parking lot. Tiny flickering lights illuminate an also empty pier. My bare feet find themselves rushing toward the moonlit sand. Ahhhh. Finally. My body lets go. The sand warms my toes. I fall into it, covering my body, scattering through my hair. I gaze up at the million stars staring down at me. I wish I was up there with them. I want that perspective. I sink deeper into the moist earth. I sink deeper. After a few moments of finally being here, I ease up and gaze out into the black horizon. I admire the peaceful ocean. A chilly wind blows over me. I close my eyes. I salty mist coasts my face. My body shutters.
My mind is empty. (408)

LOVE

Things get taken away. Some times we have too much. The glass could be completely empty.
We live and we die.
When things get taken away, we should start giving things away. When it seems that we have too much, we should save some if it for later. If there’s nothing in our glass, fucking fill it up.
There’s not enough time to sit and wait. There’s not enough time to hate what your doing or where you are. It’s our only shot.
Love. Laugh. Share. Screw up, but learn from it and don’t do it again. Don’t forget to love. Love til it hurts, then love again. You can’t love anything too much. Love your life. Love what you do. Love who you are with. Love yourself because you can’t ever change you. Love God because you will have to face him eventually. Its so much simpler to love than to hate. Don’t fight God. He made you. Appreciate that.
Learn from others. They do much worse things than you right? Don’t follow in some one else’s foot steps. Make your own. Go for what you really love. If it doesn’t last, at least you went for it. (214)

a feeling

I hold your face in my palm. Your skin is so smooth. It is so warm. My hand molds to your cheek bones. You place your hand on top of mine, resting on your cheek. I look into your eyes. Their deep green I get lost in,and am suddenly unaware of where I am. Time stops. This is our space in time. You slip your hand onto my back. I go numb. You pull me into you. It feels so good. Our bodies become one beautiful body, my breasts press up against your chest, your hip bone grinds into mine. It feels so good. You bring your other hand up to my face. Taking three fingers you grip my chin, gently raising my head level to yours. You gaze deeply into my eyes, studying every shade of blue. It feels so good. You bring your face closer to mine, our noses barely touching. I gaze down at your perfect lips, and then back into your eyes. We stare. My lips meet yours, my body electrifies, every part of me is covered in warmth, as if I was laying in the sun. It feels so good. Our lips part, I look back into your memorizing eyes, your heart over powering your pupils, my eyes instantly mirroring yours. I smile, you grin. I grip your sides, pulling at your shirt. I pull you even more into me, our bodies molding into each other, our hearts beating as one. You take my face into your hands, and kiss me. You kiss me. You kiss me. You kiss me. My heart races. I pull away from you. You pull me back. You kiss me. I press my lips into your neck, your body shudders. It feels so good. I look into your eyes. My heart slows. Our bodies are one body. Our hearts beat one, slow beat. I look into your eyes. It feels so good. 327

Is life too full?

Our lives are full. They are full of disappointment. Full of wonders. Full of love. Full of passion. Full of dreams. Full of religion. Full of lessons. Full of long, winding roads. How do we control ourselves?? When is that exact moment of decision, of choice? How much do we miss, just walk right by? Is fate real? I wonder, how often does fate brush our shoulder? Do we even go as far as to turn around as it passes, with that feeling of curiosity, but in our rage of our unconscious mind do we actually have the gull to give “it” a dirty look, not knowing?? How much of our life is the second choice?

I walk by, seeing their faces, brows furrowed, eyes following an imaginary line drawn from their nose to the end of their path five miles away. Their left feet race their right as they haul down the sidewalk. Hello? I’m right here...don’t act like you can’t see me. My eyes meet yours, their violet blue illuminating as the sunlight bounces off your retinas. Time slows, your body passes mine slower than a sloth crawling down a tree. Your left shoulder breezes my right and my body goes numb, a burning sensation taking over the entire right side of my body. Our eyes remain glued , our bodies stay facing each other as we continue in opposite directions down the grey cement. Your face starts to relax, your eyes slightly squint, and your cheek bones rise. You flash the most beautiful smile, while my mind rushes to take a quick snapshot to store away forever. As I try and bring myself back down from the clouds, and take a breath (I realize I haven’t taken a single breath yet), my face tries and mimic yours, my skin warming, and a smile bigger than a watermelon displays itself in broad daylight across my face. As our bodies turn back in the direction we’re each separately headed, my gigantic smile does not budge. I take five more long steps until I redirect my attention back behind me, searching for that gorgeous face. My steps seize as i notice your head has turned back around as well, your deep blue eyes confirming that you have the same mission. We gaze into each other’s eyes for one last, irreplaceable minute. My steps slowly being to start back up, the faces that pass once again become unknown, un-wanting-to-know, and one big blur. My day continues as it was, but my mind wanders again about fate. Could it really pass right by me, completely unaware, so innocent, and equaling a total of ten seconds out of my life? Could that have been fate, brushing my shoulder once again? Is life so full that we miss the most important things in life, things that we spend our whole lives searching for, looking so hard that they literally walk right by? 485

peacefully alone

Everyone has a passion. Passions are what our lives revolve around. One can spend their entire life chasing after a dream, and that someone is living the most fulfilling life there is. I have a passion for traveling the world, a passion that I have been living to fulfill since I was ten years old. I have recently been to Canada, a trip that I was not looking forward to because Canada isn’t exactly a place I expected to experience awesome and new wonders of this world. With a closed mind, we hopped onto a tiny boat after a five hour car ride immediately following a three hour plane ride. We putted across a massive lake for over four hours, passing town sized, silent islands, containing nothing more than trees and tiny eyes of a few squirrels watching us pass. We arrive to our island, looking no different than the million before it. A small red cabin was purched on the side of a massive rock jutting out over the lake. While being in Canada I experienced a new kind of peace. I found myself lying on a cool grey rock night after night, gazing up at the sky, blazed with stars, my mind scattered in the sky right there along side the stars.

I found myself alone, completely isolated, nothing for miles and miles.

The cool breeze ruffles my frizzy hair and uncovers the dribbles of sweat jogging down my neck. I grip the rusty pole and cast far out into the middle of the untouched glass. It cracks and shatters into tons of tiny droplets, bursting into the sky. Being out here is like nothing I’ve ever experienced. It’s beautiful. The sounds, the smells, there are so many of them, yet they are all so distinctly different. A loon, its head brushed with forest green feathers, fading into a darker green, ending with a blend of misty black, swirling down to its tail, skims the surface of the calm flowing lake, landing on his runway with flawless grace. A small bass makes a sorry attempt to fly, but gravity has other plans for him. He comes crashing down, back into the quite water, only leaving a few lonely ripples as any evidence of his escape attempt. A bald eagle flies solo, hoping he’s not the last of his kind, but still a stern look of determination remains in his piercing eyes. No telephone lines, no roads, not even a dog’s bark. Not a single noise, other than the occasional putter of a John boat. Not a worry or care in the world. Well except that these fish better start biting or we are out of luck for dinner.

That night I find myself lying on my back on the familiar grey rock. Tiny light bulbs explode against a sky of black nothing. One falls to the earth, then vanishes. A coyote howls,way off in the distance, then again, filling the night with it’s voice, . Another calls back on the other side of the lake. Will they ever find each other? Two lost souls, so separated, yet so together on this peaceful night, finally finding each other only once everything else has gone silent. An unknown something launches out of the motionless lake, shattering its surface and cutting the crickets off a beat or two, totally rupturing the humming silence. The unknown, a fish I decide, plummets back down to earth, the crickets continuing from where they left off in their symphony. It sounds as though something is swimming towards me, but with one swift scan of my flashlight I am proven wrong. I am not scared, for once in my life, sitting here alone on this rock, in another country, in another world of water and forest. The black sky looks light compared to the darkness of this night. Another star falls across the sky, disappearing the same moment I spot it. I can’t stop writing now, it is my security. The silence grows louder, raising the tiny hairs on the back of my neck. The coyotes cross my mind again as another howls from a land unknown and so far off. What does their single howl mean? Is it calling for someone? Will those two ever unite and meet at last? My mind continues to wander as my heavy eyes slowly slip into the back of my head. A night so beautiful, so perfect, so unique, wraps its arms around me, pulling me in close, and I drift out of this new world, into the next as every last muscle relaxes against the hard, cool surface of this grey rock. 790

A familar smile

The hinges stick a little and screech at me as I ease open the trunk of my ’97 Honda Accord; a few small pieces of paint chip off the corners and fall to the ground. I slide a few fingers of my right hand in between the tight pink rubber of the beach chair we’ve had in our family for as long as I can remember, and lift it out of the cluttered trunk. With my left hand I clutch a floral towel and wrap it around my neck. I slam the trunk and scamper up the boardwalk. I scan the beach, searching for my designated area. A large man slouches in a white lawn chair, his back fat seeping through the small cracks in the back of the chair. The sun illuminates his round, pink body, but a gleaming smile is immersed across his face. Not far off, two white haired women lay on the stomachs, facing each other, eyes squinted shut as they try and control their laughter. Near by, a young, tanned lady and her brawny, long blonde haired husband hold each other as they watch their naked baby run from a crashing wave, tripping on his own towering sand castle. He picks up his sandy face and looks up at his radiant parents, a smile stretched across his face like plastic wrap.

I spot a small area of unoccupied earth and bolt over to it. I lay out my floral towel, and perch myself in between a single women to my left and a half naked man to my right. She faces the ocean, a worn book in one hand, and a bottle of water in her other. She turns my way and flashes me a relaxed smile, her impressively white teeth making me almost cover my own mouth. I turn my attention to the middle-aged man, wearing a rather small, navy Speedo. A small, friendly grin appears on his bronze face as he glances my way, soft wrinkles collecting on either side of his cheerful eyes. He immediatlely turns and bolts to the ocean, dives in as a dolphin would, and takes off doing the freestyle against the current.

I rest my body on my towel, relaxing my weight so that the sand forms around my body underneath me. I glance out at the surf. Small, rolling waves break randomly onto the sandbar. Several tan bodies glide across the surface of the water on their stomachs. They make it past the breaking waves and sit up, miraculously, on the water. I study them for a second and realize they are NOT the second coming of Christ as one of them stands on a small piece of foam and charges down one of the tiny waves.

I check my cell phone for the time, and finally rest my head on the towel. My mind wanders as I think about the white haired women, probably life long best friends, and picture their laughing, wrinkled faces. The large man, the happy family, the single women reading her book, the dolphin man, and the group of surfers, all in the same place, at the same time, totally unaware of each other. Each living their own separate lives, facing their own separate problems, knowing nothing of one another. But all sharing one, huge thing in common; a love for the beach. Each overcome by an uncontrollable happiness of just being near the ocean, feeling the salt mist their faces, the sun beaming down on their bodies, warming them from the inside, out. And now I lay here soaking in the sun, not knowing a soul, but feeling this uncontrollable happiness, I can’t help but cast a smile. 585

no control

Sometimes things happen in life that you simply have no control over. These things take place during an unknown time, in an unknown place, and to unknown people. They can change a person, forever.

I crouch down, low, so that not single hair can be seen above the couch. I tie me eyelids down onto my face. As I try to tighten each nerve, my body shakes, uncontrollably. Four million tiny hairs stand, acknowledging the chilly wind as it passes by. My fists clench, arms stiffen, back stuck in a twisted, hunched position, with my right shoulder shifted slightly higher than the left. My toes curl as my stomachs growls louder than a dog to its prey.

I cannot remember how long I’ve been crouched here. Several beads of perspiration collect on my brow, and a few drip down my spine. The blackness of the undersides of my eyelids begins to brighten. Suddenly, a hand seizes my bicep. My body tenses, but stays crouched. A deep, muffled voice curses at me. The grip tightens. I don’t budge. My eyes plead for me to open them, but I refuse. A burning arises in my eyebrows from the pressure. I press deeper into the back of the couch, wishing I could be sucked into it and disappear. “Please, let go. I haven’t done anything to you”. My face feels as though it has been set on fire. Why did I say that? Where did I get the courage to say anything? The fleshy vise doesn’t loosen, at all. My arm goes numb as my bicep begins to pulsate.

The pulsing dominates my body. My legs grow weak, and suddenly give out under my weight and I come crashing to the ground. With my eyes still crushed to my face, my body is suddenly jerked across the carpet. My knees roast as each layer of skin is set ablaze as it is yanked over the cottony kindle. The skin on the top of my toes begin to wear away. My body does not struggle. My legs do not kick. My vocal cords do not vibrate a single note. Every nerve, every muscle, every bone remains locked in place. I simply allow myself to be lugged over the carpeting.

With out warning, two ear piercing {bang!!}’s explode before me. The voice that was connected to the hand abruptly quits grunting and cursing. The sweaty clench releases. Everything is silent, except for a high pitched ringing bouncing around n my head. My body slams to the ground as the hand releases me. I scream as my left shoulder snaps out and back into place; a loud crackle protruding from the bone. Minutes craw by. No noise, no hustle, no movement. My shoulder throbs as each second creeps on. My exhausted limbs and abdomen become heavy, and my eyes roll back into my head. The world shuts off.

A smooth, warm hand whisks over my face, runs long, gentle fingers through my sopping hair and rests itself peacefully on my occipital bone. I ease open my eyes. My vision is blurry and for a moment all I see are masses of tiny, sparkling specks against a white backdrop. My retinas focus and a green-jacketed man comes into view. His flashy smile is radiant and his face relaxed. A cool breeze sways over my skin as I lie there, wrapped tightly in a beige, fleece blanket. My head pounds as my mind tries and make sense of the past 10 minutes. The blood in my veins slowly eases its way back into circulation and moves through my torso, quickly spreading out through my limbs.

I look over at the green-jacketed man, my face blotchy white and covered in a puzzled look. His smile grows and he says to me, “You got lucky, you know. Your neighbors saw Johnson walk into your house and they called the police immediately. I came out as soon as I got the call.” “Who’s Johnson?” I questioned the man. “He is a convicted serial killer who we’ve been looking for over a decade. He is the man who almost had you as his next victim.” Tears swell up in my blood shot eyes. “Why me?” I wonder out loud. He leans in close, his cheek resting lightly on mine, his warmth absorbing into my body, and whispers, “This was not your fault sweetie. It was no one’s fault. Sometimes, things happen in life, things that you simply have no control over.” (755)

It's not his fault.

Outside, a rooster crows at the top of his lungs, signaling he is the first to wake. The hens lift their necks out of their bosoms and ruffle their auburn feathers, carefully, making sure not to arouse their sleeping children. A calf wobbles onto its scrawny legs, ready for his morning meal. Flies and gnats buzz above a rotting carcass of a young goat. Inside, a clammy hand rings cool water out of a rag, and then presses it firmly onto his pale face. His eight year old body shakes with each thrusting throat convulsion, while his mother holds him close to her chest, her clammy hand resting gently on his wet scalp. She gazes down upon his face, studying each of his once stout features. His once attentive coffee brown eyes, are now merely ajar, fogged and glazed over, their color resembling that of dead grass. His once full head of curly jet black hair has recently been hacked off, leaving behind only a few pieces of fuzzy grey strands. Dried blood outlines a rugged wound resting on his left cheek bone. His pursed lips are cracked and the sides of his mouth sliced open, full of crusty white residue. His limbs remain motionless. The only sign of any life is his chest, rising every few seconds as his hearts works alone, keeping him alive.

A lonely tear rolls off her face and lands on his left cheek bone, diffusing itself into the stale wound. Old memories jog her mind. She wishes she could provide him with the medicines he needs, but ever since his father died, she’s had no way of making money. They’ve had to live solely off of the animals and a diminishing garden under the house, but they make a pretty good team so everything’s worked out, until now. She remembers one day last spring, when everything was fine, when he was healthy. They had just been given a new baby chick and he loved that chick with all he had. One night after coming back from town, she couldn’t find him anywhere. She called his name for an hour, but got no answer. Finally he appeared, his hands cupped against his chest. He had tears pouring down his face and his bottom lip was quivering. He extended his hands up to her and parted his jarred fingers. A lifeless baby chick lay in the middle of his palm. She took his hands into her own and they said a prayer there in the middle of the road, his squeaky voice cracking every other devoted word. What she would give to see his face so vibrant again...

As he lies there, so helpless, so shriveled and so weak, her heart rages with animosity. She paces the room, unattainable vengeance storming her mind, sending surges of remorse through each nerve in her body. She hates herself for everything. She wishes she was the one suffering. She wishes she was the one lying helpless on the floor, her heart working alone to keep her alive. There is nothing she can do now. It is her fault. From the very beginning, he’s had no choice in anything. He’s never had a choice in the suffering. He’s never had a choice in the poverty. He never had a choice in being born with HIV. Since his very first breath, he has had to fight to stay alive every day, and now it was close to his last day of the fight, and he was going to lose.

Outside, the chickens scurry under the house and huddle up close to one another, the hens tucking their peeping children close under their beige breasts. A hefty mother cow bellows at her young calf and he trots over to her; they amble their way back towards the house side by side. The dirt road is quiet as the day comes to an end. Inside, a clammy hand strokes the side of a chalky white cheek. A pair of murky eyes dart open. A young, helpless body shutters with its last breath. Five tiny, fragile fingers grip the clammy hand, and then go completely limp. For him, the day is over, forever. (695)

___the accident

I carefully ease my five-foot ten-inch Orion surfboard out of the trunk, making sure not to bump her delicate body. My steps are small yet speedy as I sneak around roots, sweep the top of my foot over a pile of fresh dog you-know-what and duck under a few low hanging branches. I remember my first time down this path, panting at the end of it and agonizing over the thought of the walk back, as it felt like it took hours to reach the smooth sand. Today though, the sand spaces out in-between my toes within minutes after leaving the car. I take a second and glance out at the dimly lit horizon. A long boarder glides across the ocean's glistening surface a few yards down the beach. A small gang of fishermen I spot way down the shoreline. Their silhouettes turn my way briefly and then shift back out to sea. I slowly jog up to the waterline, where the water runs up to greet me, chilling the skin up to my ankles. After a set of waves roll in, I push off the sand and glide over a small shore break. Reaching my hands deep under water, I pull my body along. My feet dangle over the tail of my board, water trickling off my calves. I plunge my hands, rapid fire, into the dark water, trying to make it out to my destination before the ocean starts to swell up again. I’m one paddle too short. A mountain rises up before me and peaks up. Just as an avalanche begins to break off the top of this miniature moutain and smother me, I dive under it for dear life. In what seems like hours later, I break free to the surface and gasp for air, blinded by a screen of salty water. After blinking the salt out of my eyes, I take a second to catch my breath. Another lump is swelling, so I sprint out to the invisible lineup. Of course, it was the last wave in the set, so here I sit. Like a teenager eager to watch a fight, the sun pops its head up over the horizon to observe my early morning surf session.

The shrill of my alarm clock shakes my body, jolting life back into my motionless limbs. My eyes spring open and I gaze, quizzically, around the room. I slowly begin to recognize all of the perfectly spaced posters on the walls, and the dresser I’ve had since I was born, resting in the corner of my room. I glance down at my legs and everything suddenly comes to a screeching halt at the beach. Memories of the accident dart through my mind, as pain shoots down my body, settling itself in my knee, swollen the size of a watermelon. Sequences of short movie-like clips disperse themselves in the back of my mind:

My closest friend is laughing out loud.

A screeching of brakes cuts his laugh short.

Two lights so bright they burn my retinas, are charging at me.

Everything goes silently dark.

I’m pulling at my legs, trying to stand up, but I cannot even feel my lower body.

A combination of flashing red and blue lights, followed immediately by a dozen, blurry, human-like figures, engulfs my field of view.

The ambulance ride is short.

Sets of familiar, oblong lights against a white ceiling are racing by above me.

A brief image of my mom’s pale face, eyes blood shot and swollen, cheeks soaking wet with tears, and an unremovable smile, rushes past.

The uncomfortable darkness returns, as the world slowly fades, completely away.

It has only been two months since the accident. Everything is different now, as my days are filled with doctor appointments and long, painstaking hours are spent in a small room with the same person day after day, building up the nonexistent muscles in my leg. I never imagined my life could change so drastically in such a short amount of time. But, I suppose I’ve still got to wait a while longer before I am walking down that path with my five-foot ten-inch Orion surfboard, tucked up under my arm. (694)

Things happen in life Missions Statement

Things happen in life. It’s inevitable. These things may not all be pleasant, but they make up who you are and they create a being in which no other person or thing can compare. You are you, no one can ever change that, nothing can ever change that. I surf. But it’s more than that. It’s not just me surfing, it’s everyone who’s influenced me. It’s every fall that’s taken me a level higher. There is a lot more driving me that you’d think. I have been through some awful, traumatic stuff, things that I thought would ruin me, take my dreams away from me. But, once you’ve lived through the things I’ve been through, the things I’ve seen, you tend to look at things from a different angle than before. Like how lucky you are to actually still be alive and how fortunate we are to get through obstacles and pass on our experiences to others. As long as you’ve got your eyes open and find something that you have faith in, nothing can touch you. It’s crazy how one experience can change your life forever. These experiences are every day. They are your days. Some times out in the water, in your travels, you run across angry people, people who you avoid as much as possible because they seem like a bad person, in your opinion. Well, there are no good guys, no bad guys. Just everyone doing the best they can. You’ve got to believe. And then there are times when you screw up real bad, and it sucks, but you learn from your mistakes and other people’s. No matter how smart you are, you can always learn. 281